Have you ever liked someone so much it hurts? This throbbing, stabbing pain in your heart that’s supposed to be a good feeling, a happy feeling, but it’s so thick and strong and throbbing, that it can’t possibly be a good feeling. But it’s supposed to be.
He’s supposed to make me happy. And he does. He really, really does. I want to spend all of my time with him. And it seems like he wants to spend all of his time with me. It’s weird and aching to not be around him. Right now there’s this huge, gaping ache because he isn’t here.
I have no idea if he feels the same way. It feels mutual. I think it’s there. But I have no idea. He says things that make me think and feel it’s mutual. But really, I have no clue. You see only the things you want to see.
He hugs me every time we say good bye. Really hugs me. Holds me tight and completely engulfs me. But I keep waiting for the kiss. I keep waiting for it to go somewhere. I think the flirting is escalating, but is it because we’re more comfortable with each other? Is that how he is? It’s how I am. Yesterday he called me sexy. To his friend. On the phone. Without explaining who I was. He’d talked about me before. But what is that?
He mentioned lately he’s being prudish for a reason. But it was in passing. He mentioned he knows he can take all the time he needs in a relationship. But it was in passing. Are these clues I’m supposed to put together to get the whole picture? Or do I want to put them together to see the picture I want to see?
I am everything he says he wants. He is everything I didn’t know I wanted. He was the only person to laugh at my favorite, horrible joke the first time I told it. The only person. And I’ve told that joke a lot, to a lot of people.
I feel we fit. And it terrifies me.
- Susie Q



